This is a collection of jokes, pictures and cartoons, all with an Irish slant.

It is said that non-Irish people should not tell jokes about the Irish. Although English by birth, I live here now, and love this country, and have more affinity to Ireland than I ever did to England, so therefore feel entitled to portray the humorous aspects.

If anything offends, then refer to my disclaimer.

Otherwise...

ENJOY

St. Peter is on duty at the Pearly Gates. Along come forty Irish tinkers, complete with Transit pick-up trucks and caravans, and all expecting entry. Peter was a bit concerned, so he goes into the gatehouse to call God.

"Hello God. It's Peter at the Pearly Gates here. I've got forty Irish tinkers wanting to come in. What should I tell them?"

God says, "We're a bit overcrowded with travellers at the moment. Tell them to choose twelve; they can come in, and the rest will have to come back another time."

"OK" Peter replies, and puts the phone down. A few minutes later he calls back.

"Hello God, Peter at the Pearly Gates again. They've gone."

"What?" says God, "All forty of them?"

"No, the Pearly Gates."

Q.  How do you you confuse an Irishman?

A.  Lean two shovels against the wall and tell him to take his pick.

An American tourist was passing down Moore Street, a famous open air fruit and vegetable market in Dublin city centre. He felt a little peckish, so he asked one lady for a dozen tomatoes, which she gladly dispensed.

Checking the bag, he noticed that there were only eleven, so he remarked, "Geez Ma'am, in the States, a dozen is twelve, is it not the same here?".

She replied, "Son, it's the same here, but one of them lousy tomatoes was rotten, so I trun it away for yeh".

Q.  What's the difference between a bad bodhrán player and reflexology?

A.  Reflexology bucks up the feet ...

Paddy is passing by Mick's disused hay shed one day when through the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson tractor.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders, to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart, to reveal a tea-stained vest underneath. With a final flourish, he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What the feck are you doing Mick?" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin' bejasus out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Mick, "But me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist said I should do something sexy to a tractor"

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm and bets the drinkers that the octopus can play any musical instrument they can produce.

To make a long story short, the octopus rattles off Chopin on a piano, Vivaldi on a violin and so on. There's a session going on in the corner and someone suggest that the octopus try out the uilleann pipes. Well, for fifteen minutes the octopus wrestles with the contraption but nary a sound.

His owner whispers "Don't tell me you can't play it?".

The octopus replies, "Play it? I can't even get its knickers off."

After having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than a century ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 metres, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200-year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, 'The Kerrymen,' a south-west Irish newsletter, reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 metres in a peat bog near Tralee, Conor O'Droll, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Conor has therefore concluded that, 300 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless mobile.  

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what happened.

"First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 63 years old. Died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress, hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body. Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asks, "What about the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Seamus Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"He thought he was having his picture taken."

IRELAND EXPLAINED

Ireland is an island to the west of Britain but Northern Ireland is just off the mainland – not the Irish mainland, the British mainland.

The capital of Ireland is Dublin. It has a population of a million people, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon. They travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of Ireland, but they still pay in euros.

Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be in Ireland, but a successful 30-year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now definitely in the UK. Had the campaign lasted longer the North might now be in France.

Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland. It has a population of half a million, half of whom have houses in Donegal. Donegal is in the north but not in the North. It is in the South. No, not the south, the South.

There are two parliaments in Ireland. The Dublin parliament is called the Dáil, an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers’ money. The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning placebo, or deliberately ineffective drug.

Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump chemical waste.

Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are opposed to it.

Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North goes west to avoid the south, and the one in the South goes north to avoid the price of drink.

There are two types of democracy in Ireland. Dublin democracy works by holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result. If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held again. Twice in recent years the government decided the people’s choice was wrong and ordered a new referendum.

Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin.

Ireland has three economies – northern, southern and black. Only the black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red.

All versions of the IRA claim to be the real IRA but only one of them is the Real IRA. The North’s biggest industry is the production of IRAs. Consequently, there are now the Provisional, Continuity and Real IRA. The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers simply because it is the easiest to spell.

Do you notice anything they have overlooked?

A man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me; you're in that feckin basket!"

Benign - What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria.
Barium - What you do with dead folks.
Caesarean Section - A neighbourhood in Rome.
Cat Scan - Searching for the cat.
Cauterise - Made eye contact with her.
Colic - A sheep dog.
Coma - A punctuation mark.
D&C - Where Washington is.
Dilate - To live longer than your kids do.
Enema - Not a friend.
Fester - Quicker than someone else.
Fibula - A small lie.
Hangnail - What you hang your coat on.
Impotent - Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain - Getting hurt at work.
Morbid - A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff - A doctor's cane.
Outpatient - A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear - A fatherhood test.
Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative - A letter carrier.
Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery.
Secretion - Hiding something
Tablet - A small table to change babies' nappies on.
Seizure - A Roman emperor who lived in the Caesarean Section.
Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the train station.
Tumour - More than one.

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says "It's me wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her."
Operator replies, "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she's really is dead?"

CLICK......BANG!

"OK, done that, what next?"

Paddy goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the
symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.

"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy git and Marge is a skinny bird with tall blue hair."

Paddy is driving from Cork to Dublin and suddenly gets an overwhelming desire to get some medical advice, so stops in a small town where he sees a doctor's sign-board. He goes in, and the receptionist ushers him into the surgery.

The doctor asks what the problem is.

"I keep thinking I'm a moth," replies Paddy.

"Well, that certainly is a strange affliction. Perhaps you really need to go to see a psychiatrist. But tell, me, why did you come in here?"

"Yer light was on."

Sean and Pat were in a pub, having a pint of the dark brew, and Pat says "D'yer know Sean, there is a key in Ireland that can open every door."

"Get away", replies Sean. "That's hard to believe; I mean there's millions of doors, What sort of key could open every one?"

"A pikey."

Two Irishmen enter a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Gerry's truck and drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." 'He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

THERE'S MORE....

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's also been to the pet shop and walks up to the cliff edge carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff holding the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He too had been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting, and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!' 

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